Thanks Given.

Falling in love with a one night stand.

On the night that we met, you said my name over and over: "caity."

You spoke so casually, as if whispering in your sleep; 

words that wove a most intricate web inside of me. 

Your sentences were like sugar melting on the tip of your tongue
or an ice cube sliding down the back of your throat.
And I stood, nearly speechless because honestly - it was getting so hard to breathe.

I know that that you loved me, if for a moment only. I know it. 

And though I may never see you again, I know that you loved me. 

If only for a brief moment in time that will remain otherwise, meaningless.... 

If only for that single second that you traced the outline of my empty soul, 

lighting candles down my spine and and setting fire to the dark spaces between my ribs.

You loved me.

But just as the abundant stars that once covered my young face, 

all the lights of me have faded and dulled.

And now what I need is to be ignited again.

I want to eat your poetry for breakfast and get lost in the world of your fragmented thoughts.
I want to climb the ladder of your highest emotions and let go at the very last platform;
Falling forever in you.

But I'm sure you're off somewhere, lost in your subconscious
with not so much as a glimpse of a thought.
And me - I'm stuck in a whirlwind of 5am agonizing and mental disarray;
trying desperately to sort through the chaos and
shake away memories that I have falsely placed on a pedestal.
But all my efforts are ill-fated and it's just so fucking useless
because I really can't stop thinking about your eyelids. 

And the thought of you sleeping is enough to make me want to
rip every single flower out of the ground and shred them into
one million
little
pieces.

A glimpse inside my brain.

Fragments:

-It's not fair. Nothing's ever fair. I'm selfish, I'm sick; I don't even fucking care.

-Let's get led astray.

-Watch me as I scream my lungs out - I'll cause a scene.
-You know I could never hate you.
-An impassioned and overpowering vein of feelings so intense that they spill, like rain cascading from clouds, over the edge and into our hands.
-Coffee and flowers.

-I guess I'm sad enough for the both of us.

-Places of orange and blue and beautiful. Places where there is a light that never goes out.

-But that was long ago and stars die all the time.
-You. You, you, you. Less of me, more of you. Your bones and your brain and your blood.
-Ultrasound snapshots of a heart.
-But I knew it all along and I should've listened to your silence.
-He will never lover her.

Saint Laurent.