How you and I grew up and how you and I grew apart: Vol. 1

You can't blame gravity for falling in love; just as I can't blame you for the way your back arches ever so slightly when you're laughing at my laugh. I can't be mad at you for having dimples that bring me to my knees and I really can't condemn you for dropping the overbearing weight of my existence from the 300th story window of your life.

But still, I often dream of how things would be if I hadn't endured the fall. Better yet, if the descent had never occurred, at all. I can't blame you but I also can't blame me. Not this time. Not after I tried and I tried and all I got were answers in the form of goddamn static on the goddamn phone line. And so I left. And you left, too.

And It only took a few short weeks for my body on your bed to dimmed - into a silhouette, to be dimmed into a wrinkle in the sheets, to be dimmed into a distant fucking memory that you barely ever recall.

It's so horrible to be human, to have a heart so susceptible to emotion. I can cry all I want, but a sensible person would've known better than to love in such erratic conditions. Someone wiser than me wouldn't dare fall for someone so unsettled and anyone with their head on half-straight wouldn't hold hands with a heartbreaker. But I've never quite been one for rationality and so I collapsed, so foolishly into every inch of you. I laid out my naked bones and exposed my indecent heart and I cut my chest open and I trusted you. I trusted you and you looked straight into my eyes and you crushed it all with a single blink of goodbye.

Every once in a while I wonder about you. I wonder about how you've been and what you would look like if we were standing next to each other right now. I wonder what we would say and what we would do. Every once in a while I want to call you and I really really want to let you know....................
You suck.

Falling in love with a one night stand.

On the night that we met, you said my name over and over: "caity."

You spoke so casually, as if whispering in your sleep; 

words that wove a most intricate web inside of me. 

Your sentences were like sugar melting on the tip of your tongue
or an ice cube sliding down the back of your throat.
And I stood, nearly speechless because honestly - it was getting so hard to breathe.

I know that that you loved me, if for a moment only. I know it. 

And though I may never see you again, I know that you loved me. 

If only for a brief moment in time that will remain otherwise, meaningless.... 

If only for that single second that you traced the outline of my empty soul, 

lighting candles down my spine and and setting fire to the dark spaces between my ribs.

You loved me.

But just as the abundant stars that once covered my young face, 

all the lights of me have faded and dulled.

And now what I need is to be ignited again.

I want to eat your poetry for breakfast and get lost in the world of your fragmented thoughts.
I want to climb the ladder of your highest emotions and let go at the very last platform;
Falling forever in you.

But I'm sure you're off somewhere, lost in your subconscious
with not so much as a glimpse of a thought.
And me - I'm stuck in a whirlwind of 5am agonizing and mental disarray;
trying desperately to sort through the chaos and
shake away memories that I have falsely placed on a pedestal.
But all my efforts are ill-fated and it's just so fucking useless
because I really can't stop thinking about your eyelids. 

And the thought of you sleeping is enough to make me want to
rip every single flower out of the ground and shred them into
one million
little
pieces.

Fragments:

-It's not fair. Nothing's ever fair. I'm selfish, I'm sick; I don't even fucking care.

-Let's get led astray.

-Watch me as I scream my lungs out - I'll cause a scene.
-You know I could never hate you.
-An impassioned and overpowering vein of feelings so intense that they spill, like rain cascading from clouds, over the edge and into our hands.
-Coffee and flowers.

-I guess I'm sad enough for the both of us.

-Places of orange and blue and beautiful. Places where there is a light that never goes out.

-But that was long ago and stars die all the time.
-You. You, you, you. Less of me, more of you. Your bones and your brain and your blood.
-Ultrasound snapshots of a heart.
-But I knew it all along and I should've listened to your silence.
-He will never lover her.

You vanished.

Here I am - sitting alone again on my dirty floral couch, trying to conjure up something that makes even a sand grain of sense. Here I am again thinking about how nothing will ever be as tangible as when I got off the subway that night and whispered "that hurt."

Sucking in and breathing out we passed a Marlboro back and forth; between out separate fingers, between our separate lips. Embracing in all the most intimate of ways, yet not really embarcing in any way at all. And I suppose I don't really know you very well - but I know that it was 3:32am when you laid your tired head on me and I realized that you made me feel completely unhinged. And I know that my words were anomalously spilling out of me; bouncing off the walls and landing scattered on the floor - I was a mess, but you didn't care. And you are the perfect combination of California and New York and you like Joy Division and I like the sound of my voice when I'm with you.
And you vanished.

I am a land mine of emotion. Thinking about it now, I feel so much it's killing me.
It's all because of you.
You are so goddamn iridescent. I could look at you for barely a moment before having to turn my head the other way. The moonlight bled all over you when I told you you were an over-thinker and you told me it was my fault. And that was when the light inside of me was like a great forrest fire; a flame running through the hollow of my spine, up to my fingertips, peering out of my eyes and burning through my clenched teeth.
And I had to physically restrain from grabbing your hand.
And my ribs are bruised and breathing becomes a task.
And I swear to God, you could've saved me.
And you vanished.