Sunday, 16 December 2012

I've recently stopped believing in the idea of soul mates.

It's the hardest thing to do; to inhale this tainted place with lungs already so full of fallen stars.
I spend my days battling mirrors and fist-fighting street signs.
And I'm bleeding from the inside out - bruises in the form of apathetic attitudes.
'Hold it in, hold it in until those withered lungs explode. Stupid... ignorant girl... you're just a kid.'

I exist between approximately three places and I hate them all equally.
Just as the sun in the sky, my fickle heart is always rising and setting.
I can never make up my goddamn mind while I struggle to hold onto the last
piece of myself that I haven't yet given away.

The transition between Fall and Winter has me waking every morning to fits of
definite despondence and tremors of disorientation.
And if it's true we're composed of 70% water;
there is certainly an uncharted ocean churning inside me.
I'm aware of what it feels like to drown in the sea of yourself -
To be suffocated by the binding of your own skin.

What do you do when the people who love you the most don't really love you at all? 
You've thrown every ounce of yourself, carelessly,
at ungracious participants of your stupid, so-called life.
You've sold yourself short of anyone who gives a fuck.
And what do you say when your vocabulary has been exhausted 
by a week of L train breakdowns and comparing relationships to seasons?

I've recently stopped believing in the idea of "soul mates."
I've recently stopped believe in just about everything I can't hold in my two wrinkled palms.

Thursday, 15 November 2012

Falling in love with a one night stand.

On the night that we met, you said my name over and over: "caity."
You spoke so casually, as if whispering in your sleep; 
words that wove a most intricate web inside of me. 
Your sentences were like sugar melting on the tip of your tongue
or an ice cube sliding down the back of your throat.
And I stood, nearly speechless because honestly - it was getting so hard to breathe.

I know that that you loved me, if for a moment only. I know it. 
And though I may never see you again, I know that you loved me. 
If only for a brief moment in time that will remain otherwise, meaningless.... 
If only for that single second that you traced the outline of my empty soul, 
lighting candles down my spine and and setting fire to the dark spaces between my ribs.
You loved me.

But just as the abundant stars that once covered my young face, 
all the lights of me have faded and dulled.
And now what I need is to be ignited again.
I want to eat your poetry for breakfast and get lost in the world of your fragmented thoughts.
I want to climb the ladder of your highest emotions and let go at the very last platform;
Falling forever in you.

But I'm sure you're off somewhere, lost in your subconscious
with not so much as a glimpse of a thought.
And me - I'm stuck in a whirlwind of 5am agonizing and mental disarray;
trying desperately to sort through the chaos and
shake away memories that I have falsely placed on a pedestal.
But all my efforts are ill-fated and it's just so fucking useless
because I really can't stop thinking about your eyelids. 
And the thought of you sleeping is enough to make me want to
rip every single flower out of the ground and shred them into
one million

A glimpse inside my brain.

Wednesday, 7 November 2012


-It's not fair. Nothing's ever fair. I'm selfish, I'm sick; I don't even fucking care.
-Let's get led astray.
-Watch me as I scream my lungs out - I'll cause a scene.
-You know I could never hate you.
-An impassioned and overpowering vein of feelings so intense that they spill, like rain cascading from clouds, over the edge and into our hands.
-Coffee and flowers.
-I guess I'm sad enough for the both of us.
-Places of orange and blue and beautiful. Places where there is a light that never goes out.
-But that was long ago and stars die all the time.
-You. You, you, you. Less of me, more of you. Your bones and your brain and your blood.
-Ultrasound snapshots of a heart.
-But I knew it all along and I should've listened to your silence.
-He will never lover her.

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Stranded in Brooklyn: Sandy 2012

Hurricane survival: candles, coffee, cigarettes

Why WOULDN'T we play dress up while stuck inside all day?!

Bubblegum drag-princess

Desolate Devoe St, mid Sandy 


View of Manhattan - the day after tomorrow

Sunday, 28 October 2012

You vanished.

Here I am - sitting alone again on my dirty floral couch, trying to conjure up something that makes even a sand grain of sense. Here I am again thinking about how nothing will ever be as tangible as when I got off the subway that night and whispered "that hurt."

Sucking in and breathing out we passed a Marlboro back and forth; between out separate fingers, between our separate lips. Embracing in all the most intimate of ways, yet not really embarcing in any way at all. And I suppose I don't really know you very well - but I know that it was 3:32am when you laid your tired head on me and I realized that you made me feel completely unhinged. And I know that my words were anomalously spilling out of me; bouncing off the walls and landing scattered on the floor - I was a mess, but you didn't care. And you are the perfect combination of California and New York and you like Joy Division and I like the sound of my voice when I'm with you.
And you vanished.

I am a land mine of emotion. Thinking about it now, I feel so much it's killing me.
It's all because of you.
You are so goddamn iridescent. I could look at you for barely a moment before having to turn my head the other way. The moonlight bled all over you when I told you you were an over-thinker and you told me it was my fault. And that was when the light inside of me was like a great forrest fire; a flame running through the hollow of my spine, up to my fingertips, peering out of my eyes and burning through my clenched teeth.
And I had to physically restrain from grabbing your hand.
And my ribs are bruised and breathing becomes a task.
And I swear to God, you could've saved me.
And you vanished. 

Monday, 15 October 2012

Shoe Lust.

So obsessed with the shoe section on nastygal right now. After reviewing my finances, I've decided that if anyone has the hookup and would like to sponsor me, I'd be really into that.